


The missing scenes

by MarVinKill



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarVinKill/pseuds/MarVinKill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I felt like they didn't do justice to Thomas Barrows scenes in the last episode. </p>
<p>I wrote down how I think he felt and thought and some of the missing scenes</p>
<p>Maybe not to everyones taste but I hope some of you like it! At east I hope to finish this story today or tomorrow</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was dark outside as Thomas was laying in his bed. Tears rolling down his cheeks at the burning pain he felt in his heart. His thoughts kept racing over all the remarks that had been thrown at him the last couple of months. Of course it was all his own faults, if he had just been a little bit nicer to everyone, then maybe someone would care enough to see his pain.

Carson had never liked him and he knew that Carson had been looking for any excuse to get rid of him. Now his lordship had made it clear that the household staff needed to be downsized, it didn’t surprise him that Carson chose him; Thomas, the nasty foul creature that everyone loathed to be the one to have to leave. 

He rubbed his hand over his face to try and get rid of the tears. He had been trying to better himself. Tried to cure himself of his sinful ways but that hadn’t worked out at all. He had tried to be nicer to people but they didn’t believe any word he said. He could still feel his heart start to beat in panic as Carson again accused him of corrupting Andy. He had only hoped that Andy would be his friend as he didn’t know his past.

Of course Carson, mrs Hughes and Mrs. Patmore had to make sure Andy knew his past. Again he saw the beginning of a friendship end because of who he was. He now knows he can never change who he is and no one will ever allow him to be happy

They made it all so clear that he is useless, he can’t even find himself a new job and today made it all so clear that he was never finding another job when he had gotten that rejection letter.

Everyone was doing better then him. Mrs patmore had her B&B now, the Bates had finally been able to enjoy their love, Carson and Mrs Hughes had found each other. Andy was learning to farm, Daisy had succeeded in her studies and even Mr Molsely had his new teaching job. He had nothing and would soon be out of a job.

Thomas loved to read and he had read almost all the books in his Lordships library. Also the ones about rome that had once sounded so ridicules. Why would anyone take their own life but now Thomas understood. It had said it was an easy way to go. Still Thomas was scared. It was a sin to take your own life but then again he was already a sinner to start from. There wouldn’t be a place in heaven for him and he was already living in hell.

Suddenly he felt his mind clear. He felt better, at peace. He knew his mind was made up.   
He had thought that someone panning this would be mad but somehow everything just seemed right. It would save the others from having to deal with his foulness and no one would mourn him.

He felt his tired body relax suddenly and he quickly fell asleep knowing tomorrow would bring the end of all his pain


	2. the morning has come

When Thomas woke up he noticed how well he had slept. He hadn’t slept this good in years. almost on automatic he started to dress and get ready for the day. He had already picked the way to do it and he knew he had time for his “bath” this afternoon. Almost everyone would be out of the house so he was sure it was done by the time someone found him.

He looked at himself in the small mirror, his face was getting old and he looked tired still. Slowly he picked up his razor. He had just used it and with a little push he took off the razor blade. He took one of his handkerchiefs and wrapped the blade in it, his heart skipping a beat as he carefully puts the handkerchief in his pocket

 

He made his way downstairs as he had done almost all his life. Everyone was bustling about. The kitchen was already at full speed and the maids and hall boys were running around to ready the house for the family waking up. Anna was sitting at the table sowing and Phyllis was sitting next to her. Thomas took his usual seat as Daisy was setting the table. Thomas just looked around at everyone just going on with their lives not knowing that he would soon not be there anymore.

Carson and mrs. Hughes came in just as everyone was getting to the table. Mr. Molsely sat down next to Thomas, without even looking at Thomas. Thomas didn’t feel like eating much, what was the point. he sipped his coffee and watched Phyllis talk to mr. Molsely about the school. Thomas would have been jealous of Molsely but he just couldn’t. 

As Phyllis left Thomas turned to Molsely. “I hope you make more out of your life then I made of mine.” Molesly seemed shocked that Thomas would say something nice to him that he just stared at Thomas. Before Molsely could ask any questions Thomas stood up and quickly left the servants hall giving Anna a small smile as he passed her.

 

He kept himself busy al day doing his normal routine


	3. The final stretch

The house was emptying fast. Thomas knew his “bath” was getting closer. He did a few last rounds trough the house stopping finally at his room. Slowly he opened the door, suddenly his room seemed messy even tough he always kept it nice and clean. He pulled a few wrinkles out of the covers on the bed and he slowly opened the drawers. straightening out the clothes that lay inside.

Somehow he didn’t want the person obligated to empty his room to see it as messy. He looked around saying farewell to his room. He picked up the books that belonged to his lordship to carry them back to the library. His lordship wouldn’t like if his foul servant had ended his life with the help of his books. With a last glance he stepped out into the hallway almost bumping into Andy. 

“Mister Barrow!” Andy exclaimed “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be upstairs. I was just getting the material from the schoolteacher to study!”

“It’s fine Andrew, I was just picking up some books to return to the library” Thomas gave Andrew a reassuring smile “Everyone is off doing their own things, I’m about to take a bath” Thomas wasn’t even sure why he added that last sentence. He didn’t want to be found.

Andy smiled tentatively back “Good day mister Barrow”

Thomas just nodded in return, hoping Andy wasn’t the one to find him later as they stepped round each other.

Thomas made his way to the library. He looked at the tall bookshelves, remembering they were his only friends. The books in his hands were also the ones who had shown him the way out. Softly placing them back one by one, letting his fingers slide over the soft leather as he placed them on the shelves. It was his last goodbye to them. 

The last one back in it’s place he made his way back to the servants quarters. Just as he reached the bathroom floor he ran into Anna and Phyllis. He hadn’t expected anyone to be here right now. Clearly his shocked expression was showing

“Are you alright mister Barrow?” Anna asks, concern written over her face  
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” He replied, his heart pounding in his chest. What if they could read his face. Would they stop him? would they just cheer him on?  
Anna just shrugged at his reply and walked past him to go back downstairs. 

Phyllis looked at him as he slowly marched towards the bathroom. He didn’t want to look at her. Afraid she would be able to see. In his mind Phyllis was the only one who would stop him. 

He opened the bathroom door, slowly exhaling as he stepped inside. He closed the door softly and locked it. Listening to Phyllis walking away. His heart was beating fast and now he was in the empty cold bathroom with the tub in the middle.


	4. Phyllis day

*Phyllis point of view*

She had been feeling off all day, she couldn’t put her finger on it. Somehow something dark seemed to creep closer and closer but she wasn’t sure what or to whom. 

When she had woken up startled this morning, her heart pounding in her chest like she had a nightmare. She had just thought it had been a nightmare about her past even tough she couldn’t remember the dream.

At breakfast everything seemed normal. Molesley had sat next to her and they had talked about the school. He seemed rather nervous about going again after his failed attempt the day before. She offered to walk him to school that afternoon. Before their conversation was over to sooth Molesley his nerves, her Ladyships bell rang and she had to hurry upstairs. 

her Ladyship had talked to her about the turn of events for Edith. That she might marry someone with a status way above all of them. Phyllis had given short replies as her mind kept creeping back to that weird feeling she had.

The day went on without anything happening downstairs. Andy had gotten down from the clearing the breakfast table upstairs with the news that Mary had hurt her sister Edith in a horrendous way. Everyone was shocked but as mr Carson came down everyone hushed quickly. not wanting to be caught gossiping about the family. 

Phyllis looked around and saw Thomas sitting in his usual seat. He hadn’t said or reacted at all at the news Andy brought. The weird feeling slowly crept back up in her mind and Phyllis had to shake her head as Molesely came up to her and asked her something.  
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She felt kinda silly she hadn’t understood him  
“Do you still want to join me on my way to school? I have to leave in 30 minutes” mr. Molesely repeated   
“Of course” Phyllis smiled back “I’ll quickly go upstairs to change”  
Glancing at Thomas as he walked passed her.

Quickly redressing and bobbing down her hat as she stepped back into the hallway, Anna came rushing up to her.  
“What are you doing up here?” Phyllis asked  
“ I was looking for you to borrow some scissors, but you are going out” Anna looked a bit lost  
“I’ve left my workbooks downstairs but you are welcome to take them” Phyllis smiled back as the started walking down the hall  
“Where are you off to?” Anna inquires  
“I’ve set up to walk with mr Molesely to the schoolhouse, for moral support” Phyllis answers

As the close the door to the ladies corridor Anna startles as Thomas walks in.  
“Are you alright mister Barrow?” Anna asks, concern written over her face  
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Anna shrugs his odd answer off and walks past him  
Phyllis looks at Thomas as he is pointedly trying not to look at Phyllis as he walks past her to the bathroom. Phyllis is sure something is wrong but she knows better then to jump such a question on Thomas while others are near. She just hopes she can catch Thomas later to ask him what is troubling him


	5. the important missing scene

Thomas stood in the bathroom, he had slowly taken of his livery, not wanting to mess that up. He still had his own undergarment on contemplating on taking them off but in the end deciding against it. It would be hard for the person to find him, why make it harder for them by him being naked. 

He opened the the faucet and the water flowed into the bath. Adjusting it till the water was the right temperature, he rather went out of this life with some feeling of comfort. 

He looked at the handkerchief with the blade in it laying on the chair in the corner, where he had hung his livery over and his shoes and socks neatly under it. 

He picked the handkerchief up and slowly folded it open, revealing the sharp blade he had used this morning to shave. The books hand’t be useful about how to cut his wrist but he had his medical training to go by. He knew the water would keep his wounds from healing and he didn’t have to cut to deep to bleed out.

Waiting for the bath to fill was the worst, his heart was pounding madly in his chest. Suddenly his mind was wondering if he could actually do it. His thoughts went back to that night in the trenches. his lighter in his hand as he slowly raised it above ground level. That shot firing and the pain as his hand exploded. He looked at the scar at his hand, he had been brave enough to stick up his hand knowing what would happen. His heart calmed down now he knew he was able to do it. 

He closed the faucet and slowly got in the bath. The water was a bit to hot for his taste but he knew it would ease the pain. Holding the blade in his right hand he pushed his left wrist underwater. Dragging the blade over his wrist wasn’t as painful as he had expected, it just stung a little bit

The water was turning red quickly as he took the blade in his left hand. Quickly slicing his right wrist he felt a sense of calm as he watched the first few minutes, his blood streaming out of the wounds. He let the blade fall beside the bathtub and laid down. The warmth felt nice and slowly he closed his eyes. He knew he could slip under the water when he went unconscious but that would only speed up his death. His thoughts were calm, thinking of the few people he had loved. His mind was slowly slipping away into darkness. His last thoughts were only that he felt sorry for the one who would find him


	6. finding Thomas

*Phyllis point of view*

 

The walk to the school wasn’t a long walk, but somehow today it seemed it was endless. the creepy feeling was getting worse and worse. She tried to keep her mind on her conversation with mr Molesely.

“You mustn't be nervous” Phyllis says as they walk the final street to the schoolhouse  
“You don’t know what they are like” Molesely replies, nervousness written all over his face. 

Phyllis tried to keep her mind from straying as a good friend should but her thoughts kept going back to her conversation yesterday with Thomas when he had just let her read another rejection letter  
“What future?” Thomas had said  
“Don’t be silly!” Phyllis replied  
“Of course, thats right! Silly aren’t I? Silly old me!” The darkness in his eyes betraying his heart

“What if the kids find out that I was a servant in the big house, or their parents!” Molesely finishes  
“Why not tell them, then they won’t have to find out?” Phyllis reasoned  
They walked on down the path. Phyllis hoped Molesely wouldn’t let the kids know he was so nervous

Suddenly Molesely said: “Mister Barrow is in a funny mood”  
Phyllis felt her heart start to pound “Why?”  
“He told me out of the blue, How he hoped I would make more of my life then he ever made of his!” Molesely answered.

Suddenly the dark feeling Phyllis had felt all day turned into an image. Thomas laying dead in a coffin. Her breath hitched as she stopped walking.  
“I have to go back” she tells Molesely  
“Is something wrong? the surprise in Molesely face clear  
“I hope not” Phyllis says as she turns around and hurries back to the Abbey

Her thought are haunting her as she rushes trough the house looking for Thomas. The house is so empty this time of day.   
Rushing up the stairs she finally decided to check Thomas his bedroom

“Does mrs Hughes knows you’re in the mens part” Andy says startling Phyllis

“Don’t mind that, Have you seen mister Barrow?” she quickly asks

“He said he was going in for a bath” Andy replies, confusion on his face to why Phyllis would be so distressed

“Oh my God” Was all Phyllis could think “Come with me” As she runs to the bathroom not waiting to see if Andy will follow  
The bathroom is just around the corner and she franticly knocks on it “Hello! Mister Barrow are you in here?” Phyllis voice is breaking as she tries to open the door to find it locked  
“Will you open this door” She tries to demand as her panic get worse  
“get back!” Andy shout as he starts kicking the door. It just takes two kicks to break the flimsy lock and the rusk in

“Oh my god” Is all Andy can say as when they take in the scene before them.   
Thomas is laying unconscious in the bathtub that looks filled with blood. He looks deadly pale

Phyllis knows they have to act quick and turns to Andy ”Quickly fetch misses Hughes and send Anna for the doctor and tell no one else what you have seen” 

She doesn’t even look if Andy is following her orders as she rips her underskirt to make bandages to stop the bleeding


	7. Running for help

** as promised, i'll continue. I had hoped to finish this story quickly but I have a feeling I'll make it longer then I planned.**

Phyllis carefully bandages Thomas his wrist. “Oh Thomas, why did you do this?” Of course Thomas doesn’t reply. She keeps checking to make sure he is still breathing. Her hands make quick work of the improvised bandages and she lets his hands rest outside the water

“Why didn’t you tell me anything? You know I care for you and love you like a brother” Phyllis wasn’t sure why she was talking to Thomas, it was more to calm her own panic then to comfort Thomas. She drained the tub and she watched the bloody water go down the drain. The bath and Thomas his undergarment were tainted red which made his skin color even more deadly pale. 

She rubbed his upper arm softly as the tears started to form in her eyes. She tried to push them back, it wouldn’t do Thomas any good if she didn’t keep a clear head now. She just hoped they weren’t to late.

Suddenly she heard a soft moan coming from Thomas.  
“Sshhh it’s ok now Thomas, it’s me Phyllis” She sat closer to his face and stroked some stray hair out of his face. “Why? Thomas!” She could now feel the tears start to fall. “Why, did you do it?! You can’t just decide to leave! I know you! You are the one that never gives up!” Phyllis kept looking at Thomas, hoping he would open his eyes. Her face tracing soft circles over his cheek. “Why?” Phyllis said again and slowly Thomas his eyes went open, even if it was just a little bit. He didn’t seem to see her but she still smiled back at him. Just in case this was the last time he would open them, he would at least see a friendly face.

Andy had been frantically looking for Mrs Hughes, making his way quickly downstairs he sees Mrs Patmore sitting in the kitchen.  
“Where’s Mrs Hughes and Anna? He manages to get out trying to catch his breath  
Mrs Patmore looks at him, concerned by Andy’s clear distress “Mrs Hughes is in her sitting room” She answers and watches as Andy speeds down the hall to find Mrs Hughes

Andy reaches Mrs Hughes sitting room. His knock was quick and before Mrs Hughes can answer he storm in. Mrs. Hughes looks up startled. Not used to footmen suddenly storming in. Andy is totally out of breath. “I’m sorry Mrs Hughes, but it’s Thomas” He heaves quickly a few time trying to get more air in his lungs. Andy isn’t even sure how to explain it. “He’s in the bath, he has hurt himself!” He blurts out. Mrs Hughes jumps up from behind her desk walking up to Andy, gesturing him to lead the way. “How bad is it? Did he fall? Mrs Hughes asks as they make their way up. Andy gets nervous and stops on the stairs for a minute. Of course Mrs Hughes wouldn’t have understood what he meant. “He..” He stammers “He hurt ... himself” His voice breaking. The concerned look on Mrs Hughes face changes to a shocked one. “Oh no!” 

The turn around as a door opens and Anna steps into the stairwell. She halts immediately as she sees the scared look on Andy’s face and the shocked one on Mrs. Hughes.

“Whats wrong?” Anna, hoping it isn’t to bad  
“”Mister Barrow has tried to end his life” Mrs. Hughes scared voice scares Anna even more. “Have you seen Mr. Carson? Mrs. Hughes quickly follows.  
“Yes, I just came past him in the Hall” Anna replies  
“Stay here please! She tells Andy  
“Anna, could you please go down and go get doctor Clarkson!”  
Mrs. Hughes quickly goes trough the Anna just came trough and Andy watches as Anna runs down the stairs

Mrs, Hughes sees Carson talking to one of the hall boys that had just helped with carrying some luggage to the car waiting outside.

“Mr. Carson, please can I speak with you. It’s really urgent! Mrs. Hughes cut in  
Carson sees the shocked look on his wives face and quickly tells the hall boy he can go. The boy seems more then happy to quickly make his exit.  
Mr. Hughes makes sure the boy is well out of earshot before quickly explaining what has happened

“He’s gone and done what?” The booming voice of mr. Carson seems to be filled with surprise and indignation.  
“Keep your voice down mr Carson, we don’t want to many others to know. Could you please inform his lordship? I’ll go take him to his room with Andy and mrs Baxter ” She told Carson, being a little piqued at his lack of compassion.

Mrs’ Hughes doesn’t even wait for an answers and hurries back to Andy. The moment she steps into the stairwell Andy turns around, they run up the stairs hoping they won't be to late.


	8. Awkwardness

Phyllis has just dried her tears as the door busts open again. Andy and Mrs. Hughes come rushing in. Mrs. Hughes stops a second to get over the shock at seeing Thomas pale face in the bathtub.

“Anna has gone for Dr. Clarkson” Mrs Hughes says as she closes the door to keep unwanted face out. “We should get him into bed and out of his wet things” Mrs. Hughes tries to keep her emotions in check and quickly get the situation under control.

“ I hope he don’t mind if we undress him” Phyllis replies. She knows how Thomas feels about that  
“He's past minding if we put him in a shy and threw coconuts.” Mrs. Hughes reasoned back  
“Now you take his feet and we'll take an arm each.” Hrs. Hughes orders and they quickly follow   
“Should we tell His Lordship?” Phyllis knows what it could mean. They might think Thomas insane and send him of to a mental institution. The less people knew the better.  
“Mr Carson's seeing to that.” Mrs. Hughes replies. Knowing they can’t keep this from their employer   
“Right. Here goes.” Andy says as they start to carefully lift Thomas out of the tub. He is heavier then you would think. Especially since he can’t help them   
“I hate to think he was so unhappy.” Phyllis says as she picks up Thomas his feet At least it's not gone too far.” Andy replies as they start their struggle to get Thomas out of the tub and to his room.

It takes them longer they they expected. Thomas is dead weight and Mrs. Hughes and Phyllis aren’t exactly the strongest. In the end they switch places, leaving Andy to lift Thomas under his arms as Mrs. Hughes and Phyllis both grab a leg. 

Finally they made it to Thomas his room and they lay him down on the spare bed. Mrs’ Hughes quickly opens some drawers o find spare clothing for Thomas. As she turns around she sees Andy and Phyllis just staring at Thomas his limp form on the bed.  
“Well? undress him!” Mrs. Hughes orders but Phyllis and Andy just stare back at her.  
“ We will have to get him out of his wet clothes or he might catch a cold!” It seemd rather silly to say as he had just tried to take his own life. Mrs Hughes didn’t wait for the others to start and began taking off Thomas his top. Andy quickly sprang into action to help her get Thomas upright.  
Phyllis helped Mrs. Hughes getting the Thomas his arms trough the wet clothing which wasn’t easy. Andy just tried to balance Thomas so he wouldn’t tumble out of bed. Putting a new shirt on was even harder. Without Thomas his arms moving themself it was hard work. They finally managed to get the top back on. Mrs hughes put a blanket on the wet matress and Andy carefully laid Thomas back down. Thomas let out a soft moan but stayed still and his eyes remained closed.

Now came the more awkward part. “maybe you should wait outside Mrs Baxter.” Mrs Hughes said and Phyllis quickly left. Andy was looking at the door, wishing he could follow her.  
“Well, lets do this! You do the top part, I’ll help you get them off.” Andy sat down next to Thomas. His fingers started shaking as he tried to undo them. He knew he shouldn’t feel weird about it. mr. barrow needed his help but still it felt wrong after all they told him. he was glad Thomas was totally out and he finally managed to get the wet clothing to work along. He quickly stood up  
“You lift his hips up and I’ll pull them off” Mrs. Hughes came to stand beside him and took the top part of Thomas his pants  
Andy lifted Thomas just a little as Mrs’ Hughes started to pull the pants down. Andy tried to look away as Thomas lay exposed under him. Mrs. Hughes was quick and Andy helped her by picking up each of Thomas legs. His pants were inside out but off. Mrs. Hughes looked at the pants. She had no idea how to put those on without this getting more awkward.  
“Lets just put him in his bed and cover him with the blankets. He can dress when he is awake” Mrs’ Hughes finally conceded  
Andy let out a breath of relief. Mrs’ Hughes quickly folded down Thomas his blankets and together the placed Thomas in his bed. Mrs. Hughes quickly covered Thomas nakedness part with the blankets


	9. Chapter 9

Carson looked as Mrs. Hughes took off, leaving him stunned for a few seconds as his wife had made it clear with her expression and tone of voice that she wasn’t pleased with his response. The why, was a mystery to him. Clearly mr. Barrow had finally gone totally mad, which didn’t surprise him with the foul thought he clearly had.

Then again the household should continue and the welfare of all the staff was important and he should inform his Lordship.

He quickly took the servants stairs to the kitchen to take up the tea service himself. It was a shame that mr Molesely had left to teach at the school or he would have at least had someone to go with him. 

“Everything all right, mr. Carson?” Mrs. Patmore asked as she looked confused that mr. Carson was taking the tea up himself.

“I’ll explain later, Mrs Patmore” as he made his way back upstairs

Going up the stairs he wondered how he was going to explain this. It might damage the family if people found out someone of their staff had tried to take their life. The less staff knew the better it would be to be contained. He was quite sure it would be better for mr Barrow too in the end. Influenza might be a good lie to keep staff from coming up with their own explanations.

Quickly opening the doors to the sitting room he hurried to place the tea

“Carson, what's happened? Where are the footmen?” the Earl asks   
Carson quickly turned around seeing their confused faces at his appearance rather then a footman.  
“That is something I need to discuss with you, My Lord.” Not wanting to disturb all the ladies with this nasty business. Carson quickly whispers the situation to his lordship  
“Thomas has cut his wrists?” his lordship says out loud. Shock clearly written over his face  
“well” Carson thinks. “There goes to keeping it quiet to the ladies”  
“Yes, I'm afraid so, My Lord. God in Heaven.” Carson wasn’t sure what else to say.  
“Who knows?” his Lordship asks  
“Not many and I should like to keep it that way. I shall say that he is ill with influenza.” Carson replied and he gets a nod from his Lordship  
“Carson... please don't bother with serving our tea.” Lady Cora cuts in  
“With your permission, My Lady.” Carson is a little bit glad to go up to see for himself how bad the situation is.  
“How sad. How very sad.” Rosamund says as carson makes his way out.  
Lady Mary get up and pours herself a cup of tea. “Do you still think dismissing Barrow was a useful saving, Papa?”   
“That's rather below the belt, even for you.” The earl replies rather indignant.   
Mary rolls her eyes, yes it was a cruel thing to say, but still rather true. It’s not like she was that close to all the staff but Thomas was always nice to the children and especially master George had taken a liking for mr. Barrow.

Carson made his way to the servants stairs when he sees Anna and dr. Clarkson come rushing in trough the front door. Anna must have been waiting for him in front of the house rather then in the back as was usual. Carson decided to let it slip this time. Maybe time wasn’t something that was left for mr Barrow.

“Ah mr. Carson! where is the patient?” dr. Clarkson asked. Carson noticed that he didn’t seem to shocked by the event.  
“He should be in his bedroom” Carson replied as he started to lead the way up the many stairs in the house to the servants sleeping quarters.  
“Mrs. Bates wasn’t able to fill me in” dr. Clarkson replied “Could you tell me a bit more?”   
“I’m sorry, I haven’t been able to check on him yet and mrs. Hughes who informed me of the incident hadn’t known all the facts either” Carson replied   
The had reached the mens corridor and mr. barrows door. Carson knocked and Andy was quick to open it. 

Phyllis and mrs. Hughes sat on either side of Thomas his bed. He was clearly still unconscious and seeing him laying there looking deadly pale even shocked Carson. He hadn’t thought about what he would find and now it was a rather intimidating sight.

Mrs. Hughes quickly moved away to give the doctor some room and doctor Clarkson quickly took her place. he started checking Thomas his vital signs.

“Where did you find him?” Dr. Clarkson asked as he carefully took Thomas his pulse  
“We found him in the bathtub” Phyllis replied  
“I see” dr. Clarkson replied. satisfied with Thomas his pulse and breathing he looked at the makeshift bandages. Carefully he unwrapped one. The damage wasn’t to bad even tough the wounds were still bleeding   
“You found him probably just in time” Clarkson said. Opening his bag he took out all the stuff he needed and set to work.  
The room was quiet as no one wanted to disturb dr Clarkson. Carson looked around and when Andy looked at him he nodded his head towards the door. Andy nodded back understanding and left quietly. Anna seeing Andy leave decided that she might be of better use to Andy


	10. Andy

As Anna stepped outside, she saw Andy making his way to the stairs. He looked white in his face and his walk was slow and shaky  
“Andy?” Anna asked “Can we talk?” Andy looked up at her and his eyes looked haunted. “Uhm , yes” He finally answered  
She looked around. It wasn’t really descent for her to talk to him in his bedroom. Finally she decided that mrs. Hughes wouldn’t mind in this situation.  
“Come with me please” She went to Andy’s room and closed the door after he followed her in. Andy sat down on his bed, he still seemed to shocked to even notice this was improper. Anna decided to take the chair next to the bed.

Looking at Andy she wasn’t even sure what to say.  
“Are you alright Andy?” She finally asked.   
“I’m alright, I think” Andy replied but his body said the complete opposite  
”I’m sure it was quite a shock to” But Andy cut her off mid sentence  
“I thought he was dead” he looked at Anna at last and his eyes looked so young and scared. “He was laying in the bath with all that blood. He looked so pale and still, it was so awful” Tears started to fall down Andy’s face and Anna pulled her seat closer so she could comfort Andy by rubbing his back. She hadn’t seen what they found but just the thought was enough to put shivers down her spine

“Then Phyllis ran to him and told me to get help” Andy continued “I guess she would only say that if he wasn’t dead yet” Andy was trying to rub away the tears on his face. “When we were trying to get him to his room he was hardly breathing and i could feel his heartbeat. I was so scared I would feel it stop” Andy just couldn’t take it anymore and flung himself at Anna, hugging her. Anna was glad to hug him back, give him a bit of comfort after witnessing this. “He was so cold, when we got him to his room” Andy shuddered as he continued to tell the story. “His wrists were still bleeding and taking of his clothes was so hard, I really thought he wouldn’t make it” Anna kept comforting Andy but her own tears started to fall.

“Why did he do that?” Andy let out. “Is it my fault? I tried to keep my distance from him but he was so nice to try and help me read. Maybe I should have kept studying with him instead with the schoolmaster” Anna hugged Andy even closer “It’s no ones fault” She told him but after a few minutes “Maybe everyone was at fault”. She swallowed “We haven’t been really nice to him, I guess he is to blame for that too but he has been trying to be nicer. We just never gave him a chance” She held Andy a few minutes longer till he managed to compose himself.

Finally sitting back up Anna took Andy’s hand “Thomas has always been troubled and he never seemed affected by anything. Maybe he was just good at hiding his feelings.” She squeezed Andy his hand. “You do understand he needs our help now. The others can’t know, at least Thomas wouldn’t like that and we don’t want anyone with ill intent to find out” Anna knew in her head she would tell her husband and even though mr Bates never really liked Thomas he had never hurt him and even helped him after the incident with Jimmy. Andy nodded at her, still trying to get his shaking under control.  
“Will he be al right?” He asked  
“I don’t know, Andy but dr. Clarkson is very capable” Anna replied although she did wonder if Thomas would ever be alright. Doing something this drastic didn’t just go away. “Maybe you shouldn’t go downstairs till we are sure he is alright” Anna told Andy “and you could wash up a little because you look terrible. It will be hard to hide what happened if we aren’t our normal selves” Andy nodded  
“I should open your door” She quickly got up and opened it “I shouldn’t even be in here and this way we can see when dr. Clarkson leaves.” She put her chair near the door. She didn’t want to leave Andy till she knew he was alright too”   
“yes of course” Andy replied and he got up. He quickly splashed some water in his face and trying to look a bit more descent. After checking in the mirror he sat back down on his bed. Anna was staring down the hallway at Thomas his door. Now all they could do was wait.


	11. Chapter 11

Phyllis, Mr. Carson and mrs. Hughes waited patiently for dr. Clarkson to finish. The room seemed small and quiet as no one wanted to disturb dr. Clarkson. Phyllis was blaming herself for not seeing it sooner. She should have known something was up just like last year when Thomas had tried to cure himself.

Carson was standing near the door. He wondered if the rest of the servants wouldn’t find out. He rather didn’t want to go to the more darker thoughts. Had he maybe caused this, he had been pressuring Thomas for months to find a new job. Thomas should have known this was coming though. His past here in service wasn’t the best and he had a position that was more or less a tribute to the olden days. Carson didn’t think there were that many under-butlers left today in the world. Maybe at Buckingham Palace but he couldn’t imagine Thomas finding a job there.

Mrs. Hughes was standing next to Phyllis near the bed, watching dr. Clarkson close the second wound. Her thoughts were just as dark. She should have seen the signs. She wasn’t really there for the welfare of the male staff, that was Carson’s job but then again leaving Thomas to Carson wasn’t ideal either. They never got along and Carson had never shown any sympathy towards Thomas. Yes, of course, Thomas wasn’t easy either but then again she knew he would have been more at ease with her. She had clearly seen his distress when she saw him in the courtyard but she had told Carson that he should have a talk with him. That hadn’t been wise in hindsight. 

“This will have to do.” dr. Clarkson said as he wrapped up the last wound in bandages. “The bandages should be refreshed once a day” Clarkson said as he again checked Thomas his vital signs. “He’s out of immediate danger for now but I have no idea how he will be when he wakes up. I would rather stay to be sure he doesn’t undo our work the moment he wakes up, which in any case shouldn’t be to long now.” He lifted one of Thomas his eyelids to shine a light in them

“Shall I send up some tea dr. Clarkson?” Carson asked. He didn’t really fancy waiting here for his under-butler to wake up  
“That would be nice mr. Carson” Clarkson said as he sat down on an extra chair mrs. Hughes had brought in. “I would like to advice you to keep someone here permanently for at least 48 hours. When someone has reached this terrible decision and it didn’t work they tend to do it again the moment they wake up. I would prefer someone he is close to or someone he doesn’t feel threatened by” Clarkson knew Thomas well enough to know there weren’t that many friends, but some might be a better choice then others. 

 

Phyllis was the first to reply “I would really like to stay with him, I’m the closest person to him I guess. Maybe Anna could stay with him too, she isn’t really his friend but he shouldn’t feel to uneasy about her”  
“I’m not sure we could let two ladies maids attending one silly man” Carson replied gruffly  
dr. Clarkson intervened immediately “ This isn’t a silly situation mr. Carson! It’s a very grave situation when someone takes such a desperate measure. I know some only seek attention but they wouldn’t have been so thorough as mr. Barrow. Only a few more minutes in that bath tub and you would have a funeral to plan instead of two ladies maids missing for a few hours a day”  
Mrs. Hughes was glad dr. Clarkson was respected by mr. Carson or he would have been thrown out for his strong words. The look on Carson’s face clearly showed he didn’t think dr. Clarkson was right 

“It’s not like they both have to be here all the time and I’m sure I could attend her Ladyship tonight so mrs. Baxter can stay with mr. Barrow. Anna could watch mr. Barrow till midnight and mrs. Baxter could take over after that.” Mrs. Hughes said and as an afterthought to show her dislike of Carson’s lack of compassion she added. “Maybe I should wake up a bit earlier so I can relieve mrs. Baxter so she can take a few hours sleep as well”

Carson looked at her with a clear look that meant he didn’t agree with her at all but he conceded anyway. Not wanting to have an argument with his wife in front of others. “Fine, if that’s what you all think is best. I will go down for the tea and see if there aren’t any emergencies downstairs.

Carson quickly left, going down the hall. Mrs’ Hughes turned to Phyllis. “I should find Anna and tell her what’s to be done the next few days.” She smiled at dr. Clarkson who nodded at her and Phyllis who kept her eyes on Thomas but replied “yes, of course mrs. Hughes”

mrs. Hughes stepped out into the hall. Just a few doors down she saw Anna sitting in the door opening to Andy’s room.

“Ah there you are Anna, I just came out to look for you.” The moment mrs. Hughes talked, Anna shot up and Andy stepped out of his room too.  
“is he alright mrs. Hughes” Anna asked as they quickly made their way over to her  
“He is for now, but the doctor has warned us to be careful of Thomas his mind. He might attempt something again when he has awoken” Andy looked relieved when he heard the first part but his concern quickly returned.  
“he might do this again?” Andy sputtered  
“Maybe, the doctor said this really was a desperate act and he wouldn’t have done this if he hadn’t had good reasoning behind it. We will just have to wait and see the coming days” mrs. Hughes replied, she wasn’t one to sugarcoat things.  
“dr. Clarkson has told us he shouldn’t be left alone the next two days. Would you mind helping mrs. Baxter and me to keep watch over him Anna?  
“Of course not mrs. Hughes but what about our duties?” Anna asked  
“I’ll work it all out and make a schedule for us to work by” mrs. Hughes replied  
“ I wouldn’t mind helping either” Andy replied  
“That’s nice of you Andrew” mrs. Hughes replied. “he will probably need a lot of friendly faces for the next few weeks as he sure won’t get it from mr. Carson” mrs. Hughes didn’t like speak ill about her husband to others in the household but today she had been to often disappointed by him to care right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for leaving me comments and kudos. The chapters have been getting larger and the story is getting lot longer then I expected. I will keep writing till at least I find a suitable point, just bare with me as I've also got a job, kids and a household to run. So updates might be getting a bit more less frequent
> 
> I hope I'm not making to many spelling errors as English isn't my first language.


	12. Chapter 12

Phyllis and dr. Clarkson were sitting on either side of Thomas his bed, Phyllis was holding his hand as dr. Clarkson just sat back to keep an eye to see when his patient would wake up.

Suddenly Thomas started to stir, his eyes opened slowly and he tried to get his arms up. dr. Clarkson quickly took his other hand and leaned over to look in Thomas his eyes. When they seemed to focus on him he said “It’s ok Thomas, it’s me dr. Clarkson and mrs. Baxter” Thomas only responded by letting his eyes scan the room till they found Phyllis sitting on his other side and his body stilled again his eyes closing again. dr. Clarkson looked at Phyllis. “That’s a good sign! He woke up earlier then I expected. He doesn’t seem able to understand yet where he is tough and he might do this a few more times before his body is ready for him to totally wake up.” dr. Clarkson checked Thomas his vital signs again. “People who do this sort of thing will need a lot of help to keep them from doing it again. He might try and push you all away so he can do it again. Don’t let him tough” Even tough dr. Clarkson had his history with Thomas he was probably one of the few who could understand his pain.  
“Thank you dr. Clarkson, I will never let him down anymore!” 

That moment mrs. Hughes came back in with the tea. When she had seen Carson come up with the tea she had taken over. She didn’t think Carson could be of much help.  
“How is he?” She asked as she sat down the service tray on the little bedside table.  
“He woke up just before you came back, he will do that a few more times before he will be really conscious” dr. Clarkson replied as he took a cup of tea. “but it is a good sign he is already waking up as I hadn’t expected that for at least another two hours”  
Mrs. Hughes handed Phyllis a cup too and took her own as she sat down on the extra bed. “Thomas has always been very strong.” Mrs’ Hughes finally says. “That’s been our fault, we always saw him as strong. Physically as well as mentally but we should have seen the signs” Phyllis nodded but dr. Clarkson replied “I should have checked up on him after last year, he came to me already desperate but I never thought he would do this” Phyllis just shook her head. “We all were at fault in some way” her teacup was shaking in her hand “we should have seen the signs, he did say certain things that should have warned us”  
dr. Clarkson dissagreed. “Signs of a first suicide are clear after it happened. Never before”  
mrs. Hughes shook her head “We did notice he was being nicer then he usually is. I talked about that with mrs. Patmore just the other day. She had caught him sneaking candy to the small ones upstairs. 

Phyllis laughed. “That wouldn’t have seen odd to me, I know how much he adores kids! Thomas always protected the smaller children in class in our village. He got in a few fights too for them. I can still remember that one time when one of the others kids had stolen Edward his pencil. He was such a tiny little boy at least 5 years younger then Thomas.” She took a sip of her tea “he went right up to this bully who was older and stronger then Thomas and told him to give the pencil back. Of course it ended in a fight but Thomas won even tough he had a black eye and a split lip. He was send to the headmasters office but when we went home he walked Edward all the way to his house on the other side of the village. I still remember how furious Thomas his father was and even tough Thomas feared his father he did it again a few weeks later.” Phyllis just smiled at Thomas and stroked his hair. “Till suddenly one Monday he didn’t show up at school, his younger sister was really quiet and she wouldn’t tell me anything but she cried all day” Tears had started to fall down her face again. “Finally after school I walked with her home and when we were alone she told me Thomas had confessed something to the village priest that Sunday. His father had taken him out of school and he was sent of to work somewhere. She didn’t want to say more till a few years later when I was going into service myself. Then when I saw the vacancy as ladies maid here I just hoped he would still be here, but when I found him he had changed. His sister did write with him and she had told me not to expect the same Thomas, but I do still see him sometimes tough. He’s just very well hidden in this hard outer shell he holds up around him.” Tears had now started to fall down her face mrs. Hughes rubbed her back “I have seen him too, every so often.”  
dr. Clarkson nodded in agreement “I have seen it too at the hospital with patients. Especially with one officer and Lady Sybil of course. She was his equal there and she treated him so kindly always that he couldn’t help but show his true self” dr. Clarkson smiled at the memory. “Till of course he saw me watching and he changed back into his hard self” dr. Clarkson set his teacup down. “I should go now, I have other patients waiting and he is already waking. If he takes a turn for the worse, please call me immediately” He stood up and mrs. Hughes followed to lead him downstairs. “I’ll be back to check up on him in the morning but I expect him to be awake by then. Just never let him be alone. Not even in the bathroom”

As dr. Clarkson and mrs. Hughes went down dr. Clarkson stopped her when they were alone and out of earshot. “Please do understand that mr Barrow really needs to have support for weeks even if his superiors aren’t supportive. Little things might bring him back to this point and he will be even better at hiding it next time. To make sure no one will be able to safe him”  
“I understand dr. Clarkson and don’t worry leave my husband to me” mrs’ Hughes look was clear enough to dr. Clarkson as he nodded. Down in the servants hall he excused himself and took off leaving mrs. Hughes near the kitchen. 

The moment the good doctor had left mrs. Patmore came out of the kitchen. “Well, am I to be informed or do I need to wiggle it out of Andy.  
Mrs. Hughes sighed keeping things from mrs. Patmore wouldn’t be wise and Thomas would need all the help.  
“Of course not but lets go to my office to keep little ears from listening in.” 

As they sat down in mrs. Hughes her office she decided that some sherry should be alright to calm her nerves. As mrs. Patmore took her glass she commented “That bad, is it?” mrs’ Hughes nodded and they both took a sip.  
“Thomas tried to end his life” mrs. Hughes explained as she sat her glass down to keep her from emptying at once.  
“He did what?” mrs. Patmore just couldn’t believe it.  
“He slit his wrists in the bathroom” mrs. Hughes explained further “We just found him in time or we had been sitting here planning his funeral”  
“You can’t be right! Wasn’t it an accident? Surrely Thomas would never do such a thing!” The disbelieve in mrs. Patmore face so clear  
“It wasn’t and accident mrs. Patmore.” mrs. Hughes took another sip “Think about it mrs. Patmore”  
They were quiet for a few minutes taking sips of their sherry and their glasses were emptying fast. Finally mrs. Patmore spoke “I guess I see it now.” Was all she said  
“We will tell the rest of the staff he has the flu and he will need constant monitoring. Preferable not to much stress but also, he will probably feel ashamed” mrs. Hughes was trying to imagine how they should handle all this.  
“Let’s try and be friendly to him but not over do it. he might feel worse if we do” mrs. Patmore provided. “I will have his food send up till he is ready to get back downstairs” she continued “Who all know this?”  
“Mr. Carson of course, and Andy and mrs. Baxter found him and Anna helped get dr. Clarkson.” mrs. Hughes replied “Upstairs has been informed too of course”  
Mrs. Patmore nodded “How did Carson take this?”  
“lets just say, there will be words tonight” The face mrs. Hughes made told mrs. Patmore enough

** next up, Thomas waking up!!!***


	13. waking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not totally happy about this chapter.... This was so hard to write somehow. I might go back and decide to shuffle some things and rewrite some parts

It was dark, Thomas noticed. Had it worked? he felt softness around him. That couldn’t be right, he couldn’t have gone to heaven with all his sins. Then suddenly he felt his head hurt and then he noticed the burning pain in his wrists but he couldn’t move his arms. He tried to open his eyes. It was so hard to do. The whole world seemed misty and his head started to pound now. Suddenly he saw a face in front of him, it took him a few moments before he realized it was dr. Clarkson. That couldn’t only mean he had failed at his attempt. His eyes became a bit more clear and he lets them move trough the room till he found that familiar face he dreaded to see now. Phyllis was sitting next to him, looking upset with red eyes. He could feel himself started to slip again back into darkness.

When he woke up a little later again he heard three voices talking around him. He didn’t feel like opening his eyes, didn’t want to see their faces. He could tell it was mrs. Hughes and dr. Clarkson talking and once in a while he heard Phyllis. His mind drifted away again for a few second but when he came round again the rooms was quiet

he hoped he was alone but he felt a soft hand holding his own. He knew it must be Phyllis. he didn’t want her to be there and see him like this. What would she think of him now.

“are you awake Thomas?” he heard her softly whisper. he couldn’t help the scared jump he made. he hadn’t expected her to be so near his face. “It’s ok Thomas, it’s me Phyllis” hearing her scared voice broke him inside. He felt tears coming up and as much as he tried they didn’t want to go back and he felt them rolling slowly down the side of his face. he felt a soft fabric touch his face to dry away the tears.  
“Shhhh, it’s ok” Phyllis whispered  
Thomas felt horrible now, he tried to turn on his side away from her. He didn’t want her to see him like this. She shouldn’t care for him! He was a foul selfish monster.  
Suddenly he felt movement on his bed and a warm figure laying next to him. Warm arms wrapped around him and even tough he shouldn’t feel this way he felt safe. His mind was clearly slipping again and slowly he fell back into darkness.

He didn’t know how long but when he woke up the warm body of Phyllis had left. he carefully opened his eyes. he was still laying on his side and when his eyes focuused he could see a black skirt. When his eyes went further up he saw the blond hair of Anna sitting on a chair next to his bed. 

She was reading a book and had a cup of tea on his bedside table. He didn’t want Anna to see him but the pain in his head was worse and he was very thirsty. The smell of the tea made his stomach lurch. 

Anna must have noticed something as suddenly she looked at him. Surprised to see him staring at her she was silent for a few moment.

“Good evening mr. Barrow” She wasn’t sure if she should address him with Thomas. She slowly put her book down. “How are you feeling?”  
Thomas hadn’t expected this normal conversation with him, like he was just sick with the flu instead of him trying to kill himself. It took him a few minutes to come up with a reply  
“I’m a bit thirsty” he finally replied  
Anna smiled at him “I have some tea if you like?” He nodded as he tried to sit up. He immediately stopped as his head exploded and his wrists flared up as he put weight on them.  
“here let me help” Anna said getting up to take some pillow from the other bed. She took his arms to help him sit up just a little and she piled the pillows behind him she carefully helped him lay against them. His head was still pounding away but when she held the cup in front of his face as if she wanted to help him drink he had to stop her. He took the cup himself not wanting her sympathy. She just smiled at him  
“I have some biscuits too if you like” Anna said  
“Thank you, that would be nice” he replied staring at his tea not wanting to look at her. Anna placed a plate with cookies on his lap and he carefully took and. They were dry in his mouth but with the tea he was able to swallow them. He looked at his bandaged wrist. seeing a little bit of red seeping trough.  
“I should replace those soon or would you rather wait for mrs. Baxter” Anna asked  
Thomas shook his head, he shouldn’t have done that as it immediately exploded and he felt dizzy. “No, it’s ok” he had never felt friendly with Anna but at least she wasn’t looking at him with condemnation or worse, sympathy

She waited for Thomas to finish his tea and she carefully took them from him setting them to the side. She picked up some clean bandages from his bedside with some disinfectant.  
Thomas watched as Anna started to undo the bandages. It stung a little as some parts had stuck to the wound but he didn’t flinch.   
“This might sting a little” Anna said as she started to put on the disinfectant.  
“I know” Thomas replied  
“Oh yes I forgot you were a medic during the great war” She started to bandage his wrist again. He was surprised how well and quickly she worked. She would have been a great medic. He watched her do his other wrist  
“want some more tea?” She asked as she got up to put the dirty bandages on his dresser  
“No thanks.” He replied “I think I want to lay down again” He was so tired. Anna helped him with the extra pillows and he finally settles on his side with his back to Anna. He heard Anna pick up her book again. He was glad she didn’t want to talk. He wondered how many people knew.

When he woke up later it was mrs. Hughes sitting next to him. She was sowing something. He closed his eyes quickly but after a few minutes he gave up. He had to pee badly and he didn’t fancy wetting his bed. Opening his eyes again he tried to get up. mrs. Hughes quickly laid down her sowing  
“Good morning Thomas” she said but when she noticed him trying to get up even further she laid her hand on his chest.  
“Not so quick, you might faint”  
“I need to use the loo” Thomas admitted, noticing she was right as his vision blurred and he also noticed he was lacking pants  
Mrs. Hughes took a chamber pot and handed it to Thomas  
“You shouldn’t leave your bed yet, at least for today”  
She was probably right as he didn’t think he would be able to stand up. He waited for her to leave the room but she only walked to his door and stood looking at it with her back turned to him. Thomas wasn't sure what was up  
“Uhm, could i have some privacy?” Thomas finally asked  
“Dr. Clarkson told us we couldn’t leave you alone at all Thomas”  
Thomas had to blink a few times when he finally realized. he had committed suicide and he had seen in the trenches how such men would always try again. Their superiors had always made sure that they were kept under supervisions, not that had kept many from trying and succeeding the second or third time.  
“I won’t do anything” Thomas whispered  
“You can take it up with dr. Clarkson tomorrow, Thomas. For now I’m keeping to his advice.” mrs. Hughes hadn’t looked back at him.  
Thomas gave up. He might have been able to get Anna to leave but mrs. Hughes was stronger then her.  
It was a release to empty his bladder even with mrs. Hughes standing there. He kept glancing over to make sure she didn’t move.  
Finished he covered himself up, placing the chamberpot next to the bed.  
“I’m done but could I put on some pants?” he finally asked as he couldn’t find any near him  
“Of course” She walked to his dresser and handed the ones she found on top.  
She walked back to the door. Thomas was glad she wasn’t offering to help him but after a few tries he gave up  
“Could you maybe help me mrs. Hughes” His wrists were hurting so bad and he was so dizzy he was scared he would fall off the bed.

Mrs. Hughes just smiled at him and helped him get his legs in the pants. Laying back down he was able to pull them up as mrs. Hughes looked the other way.  
He was glad to get back under the warm covers. 

Mrs. Hughes just sat down next to him on her chair but she didn’t pick up her sowing. “I’m sorry Thomas” She finally said  
Thomas wasn’t sure what mrs. Hughes had to be sorry for, If there was someone that should apologize it should be him. looking at mrs. Hughes face he saw all the things he didn’t want to see. Pain, sadness, sympathy  
“No, I’m sorry” he finally whispered back. It sounded a bit silly, like a child.  
Mrs. Hughes just smiled at him again. “I think we are all sorry Thomas, but don’t you think about that now, try and sleep a little. I’ll wake you up for breakfast”  
Thomas was glad to close his eyes. He felt silly, stupid and weak. mrs. Hughes acting like a mother hen didn’t make it any easier.

Waking up this time was easier. His head didn’t pound that hard anymore and his dizziness was less too, his wrists still hurt but he hadn’t expected that to change. Of course he still wasn’t alone, it was mrs. Hughes who had woken him up. Mrs. Patmore was there too to Thomas his dismay. How many people knew of his weak moment now.  
“Good morning again, Thomas” mrs. Hughes had woken him up. “breakfast is here and you should really eat something”  
Thomas didn’t feel like eating anything as he watched mrs. Patmore sat down the tray. He knew mrs. Patmore never came up to bring the meals to sick patients tough, so that at least meant not everyone knew.  
He sat up slowly and mrs. Hughes helped him with some pillows. He was glad he wasn’t as weak anymore as last time.  
Mrs. Patmore handed him a cup of coffee and sat down on his other side  
“How are you feeling?” She asked  
“Fine” he replied. He didn’t feel like talking, especially with mrs. Patmore. She wasn’t always that friendly to him and she had made it more then clear how she felt about him.  
Then again could he blame her, he hadn’t always been friendly to her or Daisy. The kitchenmaid was like a daughter to her and he sure had hurt that daft girl more then once.  
Mrs. Patmore seemed a bit taken back by his tone of voice.  
“Mrs. Patmore made some toast for you and some eggs if you like.” mrs. Hughes intervened. noticing Thomas changed mood from earlier  
“We will get you some liver later if your stomach is up for it, that should help with all the blood you lost” mrs. Patmore piped in  
Thomas didn’t really like the way the two older ladies were smothering him suddenly in motherly love.  
“Thank you” he said in the most disdainful voice he could muster.  
Mrs. Patmore and mrs. Hughed exchanged looks and finally mrs. Patmore got up. “I shall leave you to your breakfast as I have other people to feed”  
Thomas watched her leave, glad but also a bit guilty.   
mrs. Hughes just sighed. “She was just being helpful, Thomas”  
“Who else knows?” he couldn’t help keep his voice level. now mrs. Patmore had left he started to feel even worse, were they all going to act like her now they knew what he had done?  
mrs. Hughes handed him a plate with some toast and scrambled eggs. he contemplated for a second but he didn’t think the eggs would stay where they should. He picked up the toast and tried a bite. His stomach lurched but when he swallowed it settled, happy to have some food in it.  
“mr. Carson knows of course” Mrs. Hughes started “mrs. Baxter, mrs. Patmore Anna and dr. Clarkson of course” Thomas just nodded his head, he knew those already or had at least suspected they knew. “Andy knows and we had to inform his Lordship” Thomas knew they would inform him but why Andy?  
“Why does Andy know?” Thomas asked dreading the answer  
“mrs. Baxter and Andy were the ones to find you” mrs. Hughes explained. “He kicked in the door”

Thomas was quiet, he didn’t know what to say. he looked at the toast in his hand  
“Are they al right?” he looked up to mrs Hughes his hands starting to shake  
“A bit shocked i would imagine but I’m sure they are glad they found you in time”  
Thomas couldn’t do much but just sit there. His thoughts were going all over the place. He imagined them coming in the bathroom seeing him. Them trying to find out if he was still alive. mrs. Hughes finally just took Thomas his other hand  
“They will be fine Thomas, especially if they see you getting better” the soft touch on his hand felt weird. His stomach was complaining that the little bit of toast wasn’t enough. In the end he picked up the fork and started on the eggs. He could try and be a bit stronger before they saw him.  
“Good” mrs. Hughes said smiling at him eating. “dr. Clarkson will be here soon to check on you and mrs. Baxter will come and take my place here after she finishes dressing her ladyship.”  
Thomas didn’t really feel like seeing Phyllis but he just nodded he understood, scared that talking would bring back up the eggs.


	14. Batesses and Carsons

Anna and John were walking back to the cottage. John had been so nice to wait for her while he had no idea why she had to work so late. When she finally came down the stairs she looked distracted, she had grabbed her coat and they had taken off right away.

“Are you going to tell me why you looked like you had seen a ghost all afternoon?” John finally asked.   
“It’s Thomas” Anna grabbed John his hand to make him stop. she looked around a few more times  
“I guess he doesn’t have the flu” John responded  
“No” Anna replied she had no clue how to explain all she had seen without starting to cry  
“he...” she started “he, tried to take his life”  
John hugged her as the tears she had held back all day finally came out. He had never been Thomas his friend or even felt that much for the man but still the thought of someone suffering so much to decide to take his own life was horrible.  
“he, will be alright” Anna managed to let out between sobs. John knew how sensitive his wife could be and he tried to comfort her as best he could.

When she finally calmed down she looked back up at her husband. His caring, loving face staring back at her  
“How bad was it?” he asked her, he hoped she hadn’t seen to many horror  
“He had cut his wrists in the bathtub according to mrs. Hughes. He looked so fragile when I saw him and I’m sorry to say I was glad I wasn’t the one to find him.” John hugged her again.

“This isn’t over” he finally said when they started to walk again towards their cottage. Anna just nodded. “We have been horrid to him for a while, I guess we broke his spirit in the end” Anna said. John squeezed her hand “You are never horrid my love, and Thomas isn’t an easy man to be around” Anna just smiled back at him “At least we have been given a chance to change this” They slowly made their way back glad to have each other for comfort

 

mrs. Hughes and mr. Carson had gone back to their cottage just after the servants dinner. She hadn’t said anything to him on their way home, and he hadn’t seemed to mind.  
When they got back she had put a kettle on for some tea.  
“Awful business with mr. Barrow” Carson finally said  
“Awful indeed” mrs. Hughes agreed. Carson had sat down in one of the comfy chairs.  
“I do hope this won’t bring to much disruptions to the house” Carson continued  
“I think we can manage” mrs. Hughes replied “I’m sure the family is understanding for the situation of mr. Barrow” She was finished making the tea and brought it over to sit down herself. Instead of handing Carson his cup she sat it down on the table. Carson his brows furrowed. “They shouldn’t have to be understanding to this, Thomas has clearly lost his mind again and he should be happy the family has always turned a blind eye for him” 

mrs. Hughes had had it. “mr. Carson, did I really marry a man with no compassion as it is so clear that Thomas has been suffering your constant reminder to find himself a new job in a world changing so quickly he would need to find a new profession” mr. Carson looked like he wanted to interrupt het but she quickly continued “He has always had to hide who he is from everyone and you constantly reminding him how foul you think he is every time he tries to be friendly to any man isn’t helping much either” mrs. Hughes concluded her hands shaking softly.   
“I’m sorry for how you feel, Elsie” mr. Carson replied after a few moment of silence “Yes, I do see the part I played in him deciding on such a desperate act, but you know I can’t have another episode like the one with mr.Kent” Carson continued “and I will say I may have been a bit to pushing in him finding another job but I’m sure you do understand that cuts have to be made and his Lordship and I felt best that mr. Barrow was the most logical choice with the best credentials for finding another job in service” Carson ended looking at mrs. Hughes .  
mrs. Hughes just sighed. “We were all to blame for his state of mind mr. Carson but still a bit more sympathy towards him would be considered appropriate. He will need it to make sure this will be the only attempt”  
“Of course, Elsie. I wouldn’t wish him any harm and I will have a word with his Lordship as mr. Molesely is looking into teaching I’m sure mr. Barrow can stay but we can’t see the future.”  
mrs. Hughes smiled back at him “That looks more like the man I married” getting back up to get more tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be the last chapter for a few days. Weekends mean running around with the kids and Mondays and Tuesdays i'll be busy at work so Wednesday I hope to finish some more chapter at once. I will be writing down all the chapter ideas when I have time


	15. Chapter 15

After Thomas had finished most of the food he settled back into bed. If Phyllis would come he would rather be sleeping. After a few minutes there was a knock at the door. Thomas his heart skipped a beat and he kept his eyes closed.  
“Good morning mrs. Hughes” dr. Clarkson voice rang trough the room and Thomas felt a great sense of relieve. He opened his eyes and saw the doctor look at him.  
“Good morning mr. Barrow” Mrs. Hughes stood up to give the doctor some room.   
“How are you feeling?” He took Thomas his pulse  
“Fine” was all Thomas managed. at least physically he felt better. dr. Clarkson just smiled at him but his face betrayed his thoughts. He started to undo the bandages and inspecting the wounds for infection.  
“They look good, don’t you think mr. Barrow” dr. Clarkson said as he started to wrap them up again.  
Thomas just nodded, the situation seemed a bit surreal to him.   
The doctor just smiled at him as he finished up  
“You’ve lost a lot of blood mr. Barrow and it will take a few days for your body to recover”  
Thomas felt like shouting at the guy, of course it would take his body a few days to heal. It hadn’t supposed to go this way. His body shouldn’t be healing. Instead of replying he just clenched his jaw  
The doctors face changed a little. “When your body is better we will have to have a talk but your body needs a lot of rest first.” he tried to get Thomas to look at him but he just stared ahead of him “Do understand that there are people here that care for you and don’t want to see you hurting yourself.”  
“Are you finished?” Thomas his reply was filled with annoyance. Like anyone really cared about him. The doctor just nodded en Thomas rolled to his side pretending to go to sleep.  
He was glad he did because Phyllis chose that moment to walk trough the door. Doctor Clarkson exchanged a few words with Phyllis before he left.

Stepping into the hallway he beckoned mrs. Hughes to follow him. When they were a bit further down the hall and well out of earshot of Thomas his room the doctor started to talk. “He seems rather placid for now, but I do expect that to change, you will see anger first probably. Sadness, despair, shame will soon follow and that is good! Silence is the one to fear, him acting like everything is alright is a warning sign.”  
mrs. Hughes nodded her head. “I guess I have already started to see some anger”  
“Yes I just saw it too”  
“he seems to feel uneasy about mrs. Baxter, even tough she is his closest friend. Should I keep her away?” It would break Phyllis her feelings but if it would help Thomas she would do it.  
“I don’t think so.” dr. Clarkson looked thoughtful for a minute “He probably feels shame towards her and other feelings he doesn’t want to face. For his recovery he should”   
Suddenly they heard yelling coming from the Thomas his room

Phyllis sat down next to Thomas on the chair mrs. Hughes had sat earlier sowing.  
“Are you awake Thomas?” Thomas tried to keep his body still and pretend to sleep. He hated the idea of her trying to probe into his feelings.  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you” Thomas didn’t want to hear this, his eyes started to prick and he just wanted her to leave.  
“You know you are like a brother to me, Thomas. You always kept us safe and you never minded playing our silly childish games.” Thomas slowly felt the tears in his eyes grow stronger.  
“I was so scared I would lose you. I shouldn’t have been so busy with mr. Molesely, I would have seen your pain then.

Thomas couldn’t stand it no more, the tears were slowly leaving his eyes now. “I would never want to keep you from being happy” Thomas finally whispered back.  
Thomas heard some shuffling and suddenly his mattress dipped as Phyllis sat next to him on the bed. A soft hand touched his shoulder and that was enough to make Thomas start to really cry. He always hated it when he cried, hated losing all control.  
“Shhhh, Thomas. Please... You are part of my happiness too” Phyllis whispered back as she leaned close to hug him.

Thomas couldn’t stand this, he hated how she always had to push her feelings on him  
“Please leave!” He spat out. The rubbing stopped abruptly.  
“Thomas, don’t do this”  
“Leave me alone!” He hated how she would constantly try and meddle with him, try to get him to open up. He could never open up, couldn’t she see! The hand came back again on his shoulder but now he quickly flipped himself over and away from her  
“Get OUT!” He snapped. “Spare me this constant whining! I don’t want to talk to you!” He hugged his blankets closer  
“You are only making it worse! What do you want me to say. I have a shitty life and I will always have a shitty life. I can never have what you and mr. Molesely have or like the Bates. Or for that matter even mrs. Hughes and Carson have each other! I will never have anyone in my life as it would destroy me. I’ll either end up in prison or dead and so will the person I love.”  
“Thomas, you should’t think like that!” Phyllis tried to argue  
“Why didn’t you just let me die! There is NO life for me left”  
“Thomas, stop this now!” Phyllis tried again  
“GET OUT! Get OUT, NOW!” Thomas was shouting now. “Just LEAVE me ALONE!”  
Phyllis had gotten up as Thomas started to shout and slowly backed away towards the door.  
dr. Clarkson and mrs. Hughes came rushing in.  
Phyllis took one last look at Thomas with tears going down her face and she ran from the room.

Thomas just stared after her. his heart was racing and he saw mrs. Hughes and dr. Clarkson staring at him. For once he couldn’t read their expression.   
He chose the ignore them and let himself fall down on the bed, turning his back to them.

mrs Hughes and dr. Clarkson looked at each other till mrs. Hughes nodded at him to say she would handle this. dr. Clarkson tipped his head and left, closing the door softly behind him. mrs. Hughes sat back down besides Thomas. Picking up her sowing again.


	16. Chapter 16

Laying on his side Thomas couldn’t see mrs. Hughes but he knew she was sitting there. He tried to fall asleep but he had slept so much already he knew it was a hopeless endeavor. Just as trying to keep his mind of Phyllis, he felt horrible for shouting at her. She had just tried being nice to him and of course he had to start shouting. Now she probably hated him just as much as the others did. Why did he always do such things, push people away. Then again he couldn’t let people get close to him, you could never know who to trust not to hand you over to the police. Keeping people away from you was the safest option.

Of course could understand why people didn’t want to be around him, he was a foul creature in the end. They wouldn’t say it to his face like mr. Carson but it was clear they all thought it anyway. It was al so clear on their faces when he even spoke to a new guy, even if he didn’t even fancy the guy. They just believed he would corrupt every single man he could get his hands on. 

To be honest he hadn’t even met that many men he had fallen in love with and even fewer who loved him back. And then you never knew if the other would take advantage of you or not. Especially the upper class was very good at that. Make you believe they liked you but only used you as a plaything. 

He knew there were enough guys who didn’t mind some attention from him, especially in the absence of women or if their wives didn’t want them in their bedroom because they were arguing or pregnant. He never minded that, but then again it did make him feel used. It was always clear how they thought about him. Fun to fool around with as long as he remembered his place.

Thomas could feel his eyes starting to tear up again. he didn’t want to start crying again, not with mrs. Hughes sitting right next to him. She already though him horrible, a coward and weak. He didn’t want her to think of him like he was some attention seeking girl by crying the whole time. But still the tears seemed to come. Slowly but surely his body started to shake. He was just so stupid! he couldn’t even stop himself crying

“Thomas?” The last thing he had wanted to hear.  
“I know you don’t think we care about you but maybe you should try and give some of us a chance.” mrs. Hughes spoke softly  
“I’m just stupid” Thomas replied   
“Everyone does stupid things once in a while but that doesn’t make you stupid Thomas and to be honest I think you are a very intelligent man”  
Thomas let out an unbelieving snort  
“You know how I know that! Because I see how you sometimes correct mr. Carsons paperwork without him knowing. How you try and help Andy to read, and you always know things others don’t. You read a lot too”  
“Still I am stupid enough to fall in love with other men, and stupid enough to care what others say!”  
“That isn’t stupidity Thomas! That’s called being human. I understand how it feels to fall in love with someone even tough I wouldn’t understand how it would be if I fell in love with another woman but I do understand how that feels Thomas.” mrs Hughes laid her hand on Thomas shoulder. “And we all care what others think about us Thomas”  
“I just feel so empty” Thomas whispered back  
“You will feel better if you let people back in”  
“I just don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me”  
“That’s part of letting people in, they might get hurt and they might hurt you but that’s what being friends is about”  
Thomas felt a little better and he finally felt at peace to fall asleep

When he woke up it was Anna sitting next to him, she was reading a book and drinking some tea. A plate covered with a napkin was on his bedside table. He scraped his throat, not wanting to scare Anna.   
“Good afternoon Thomas” She smiled warmly at him.   
“Good afternoon” It felt a bit silly having her sit next to him but he was glad it wasn’t Phyllis.  
“Are you hungry? Mrs. Patmore made some lunch but I didn’t want to wake you up”  
“Yes, Thank you” He sat up careful not to put to much weight on his wrists. Anna put a bed tray on his bed and put the plate with sandwiches in front of him. She also poured him a cup of tea. Which he accepted with a small smile and a thank you. The both got silent and it was a bit awkward as he sipped his tea.  
“Maybe a silly thing to ask” Anna started after he put his cup of tea down and picked up a sandwich “but how are you feeling”  
He put the sandwich back down, he wasn’t sure how to answer that question.   
“My wrists aren’t that painful and I don’t feel dizzy anymore”  
“That’s good” Anna replied but it was clear she had meant something else.  
“I don’t feel better, Anna” He let out softly. Why not say the truth, he could at least try and talk with Anna. She had always been so nice but now he saw her shocked face he wished he hadn’t said it.  
“I’m sorry” he whispered  
Anna’s face changed immediately in a more neutral look.  
“It’s ok Thomas, I guess it’s harder for such things to get better” Thomas just nodded  
“Shall I tell you a secret?” She suddenly asked.   
Thomas loved secrets, he could use them against people but he also felt like he if he was informed he was part of it.  
“If you want to” He tried to make it sound like he didn’t care but he couldn’t help his lip curling up a little  
“I haven’t told anyone of the staff yet, but I know everyone knows I have been trying to get pregnant for a while and in the end I gave up hope. Lady Mary took me to a doctor and now I am with child. I’m just so scared something will go wrong if I tell anyone”  
Thomas felt happy for her but also a bit confused  
“Then why are you telling me?”  
“You know how to keep a secret and I’m sure you will understand my pain if it does go wrong.” Anna started to explain. “I know how you adore kids! I have seen you so often with the kids and they are the only ones to get a smile on your face” Anna smiled so brightly at him it was contagious. He finally got a bite from his sandwich and suddenly looked horrified. Looking at Anna giving him a weird look he quickly swallowed  
“Yuck, Liver!”   
Anna just started laughing and handed him a cheese sandwich.   
“Better?”  
“yeah thanks!” He quickly took a bite hoping to get rid of the liver taste  
“mrs. Patmore won’t be happy” Anna chided him  
“I’m sure you can hide the fact I didn’t eat it” He winked back at her.  
Anna just laughed back at him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so hard to do these scenes  
> Hope next week I'll have more time to write too  
> All kudos and comments are very welcome!


End file.
